Eyebrow Wars

  by Shinazy

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know this to be true – our eyebrows overtly plot against us.  Blatantly they set-up base camp above our sunglasses and below our caps.  They conduct surveillance on everything we see and everyone we talk with.  Every time we look in a mirror . . . there they are, mocking us.  Eyebrows have an agenda.

They have an arsenal of strategies.  One is the art of subterfuge.  As boomers, we wonder:  why is it that our eyebrow hairs start to grey, appearing to fade away, just when we’re having difficulty focusing our near vision?

To counter this attack, I commandeered a Magnification 20 Assault Mirror to ambush my eyebrows.  It’s a small mirror, no need to see more than needed ( wrinkles resembling the Grand Canyon, which is another boomer issue, but I digress).  But eyebrows are cunning, even after a tweezing attack, ensnaring every visible hair – or so I think – I sometimes discover a spy.  If I’m in the right light, at the right angle, what do I see but a single hair, a banner flapping in the breeze.  (Score1 for the eyebrows).

Another strategy in the eyebrow’s master plan: as hair on my head thins, the hairs in my eyebrows grow to become Amazons.  (Eyebrows 2, me 0).

Our interaction with our eyebrows is as unique as our fingerprints.  My granddaddy never trimmed his eyebrows – he never engaged in the Eyebrow Wars.  They were his allies.  As a child, I would twist his eyebrows into pointed peaks or divide them into little spires.  This action never lost its sense of amusement.  My Aunt Judy was swift and decisive; during the 1940s she conquered her eyebrows and annihilated them . . .  taking no prisoners.  Not a hair remained.  Today, now in her late 80’s she can still draw perfectly matching arches.

Rather than a pencil, my weapon of choice is eyebrow mascara – I’m always armed and ready.  I can unify the patches of grey hair into the patches of dark brown hair, camouflaging the tiny calico mascots that stand ever vigilant just above my eyes.

Like wisdom teeth, eyebrows have outlived their purpose.  As the human species evolves and Homo Sapiens 2.0 is released, I vote to eliminate eyebrows.  It is time for eyebrows to stand-down.

Game point.

photo by Myki Roventine